I had a dream today. From a young age, I'd say, 10 or so, I had a pet hyena of my own.

His name was Max, and even though he was not real, I feel like crying for him right now.

In this dream, he became my best friend. He truly became more than that.

When I was sad he knew how to cheer me up. He protected, and gave me more love than I could ask for.

He was always by my side at all times. He was well behaved, and very kind.

We were with eachother so much, for so long, it was like we understood eachother.

Without ever saying a word we knew what the other was thinking. In this dream I was hated.

By most everyone, even my family. I was a crossdresser, and it was not accepted.

Oddly enough, it was my birthday, and everyone actually showed up. My family anyhow.

Not only that, but to my surprise they had actually brought gifts. Good ones to.

It was a happy day, me and Max jumped out of bed and I gave everyone hugs.

The family planned a day out for me. They reserved a walk through a park of sorts.

It was full of tame, exotic animals. Me and Max skipped joyously down the dirt path.

Giggling and smiling at how wonderful today was. Then something odd happend.

For some strange reason, a cheetah popped out of nowhere. It started to charge right for us.

I don't know how I knew, but I knew it wanted to hurt Max. I shouted "Max run!"

He did just that, and I did my best to keep up with him. The cheetah, sped right past me.

It landed atop of Max, and began to chew and claw all over him.

I watched, and listend in horror as I tried to reach the two in time to save Max.

I didn't know what I'd be able to do, but I was willing to wrestle the damned thing off him.

Skipping ahead a bit, Max didn't make it. I sold everything. B-day gifts, valuables in my room.

All to help pay for the hospital bill for Max, anything to give him a fighting chance.

Still, he did not make it through the night. All that the doctors did, and I got 5 last minutes with him.

Tears poured down my face as I held him close, staring into those pretty eyes of his.

He licked the tears away from my eyes, and rested his head right over my heart.

It was his way of telling me, " Don't cry, I'll always be here for you." But he wasn't.

Not anymore. From then on I fell into a deep depression, and spent half my time in the dream crying and whimpering.




I feel like it means something. Which is odd for my dreams. If anyone could help, I'd appreciate it.

1. Fill up the blanks with your OCs, or favorite characters/ Put their names by the numbers, too.
2. Answer the questions, or try to.
3. TAG 3 people.

______________________

1.Kacey Ray Howl
2.Zane Kame Haun
3.Jace Cameron Rose
4.Chain Akuma Hyaena(Me,sort of.)
5.Lynx (middle and last name N/A)
6.Krass Tin Rallun
7.Agni Boris Bakar (new)
______________________

1. What if 7 and 4 kissed?
Agni would freak the fuck out, possibly set some shit on fire, and Chain would laugh his ass off whilst watching.

2. Where would 2 bury a treasure?
In a vampire infested wood. >>;

3. 3 and 7 get into a fight. Who resorts to violence first?
Jace would, Agni is a coward, and would rather run than fight.

4. 1 is kidnapped and their kidnapper demands a ransom of 1,000 dollars from 5. Do they help 1?
Yes, but not by getting them money. Infact it would go something like this. They would take money, in exchange for tracking down the kidnapper, and painting his brainmatter all over the walls he was hiding behind. ^^

5. Who is stronger? 6 or 4?
4 due to the fact that he is a supernatural, still deciding to change that or not.

6. Who is 3's secret love?
It is not really a secret. 0.o He is in love with a man named Kai Albert Mency, his name doesn't sound like it, but he is part of the mafia.

7. Can 2 juggle?
Nope.

8. 1 is asked on a date by their favorite actor/actress. Do they accept the date?
Kacey has no favorite actor or otherwise. 0.o He never watches movies.

9. What is 5's biggest fear?
If his best friend and patner, were to give into her beast and bleed him dry in his sleep. Not that he has anything to worry about.

10. A meteor is about to hit the planet, can 7, 2, and 4 stop it?
Uhhhhh, no...they can make a pretty funny scene trying though.

11. Is 5 single?
Why yes, he currently is. Currently...

13. Does 1 wish this TAG was over?
He does not mind either way.

14. 6 and 7 are dancing to the waltz. 2 comes in and sees them dancing. 2's reaction?
These two, speak to eachother? Let alone dance together? I think not! -.- Though for arguments sake lets say they did, if two were to walk in on them, he would simply stare in awkward silence, close the door, and walk away as though he had imagined it.

15. 2 and 4 go to the movies. What movie do they see?
This one is actually rather likely. XP Probably a horror movie, any one will do.

16. You are attacked by 1, 3, and 6. Can you survive?
Fuuuuuuck no.

17. What is 4's favorite color?
Purple.

18. Can 7 sing?
I don't know yet. 0.o I'm still working on him.

19. A vampire bites 2. 4 sees this, what do they do?
Kick that vampires ass! >.< Zane is a werewolf, in my stories, a vamp bite or wolf bite to either opposing side, does nothing but irritate.

20. All the characters get into a battle Royal. Who will win?
Kacey, Chain if he is lucky. 80-20 in Kacey's favor.

21. Well, now it's over! Tag 3 people!
I don't know anyone. ;.; No one to tag anyhow.

Um, excuse me everyone, I have an announcement to make. Testicals.....that is all.

The content on the other hand. I think I do...well, decent with.
So! An update, since I have not done so, in so very long. I'm at Silver's at the moment, typing this up out of boredom. Staring at furry porn and running my mind over my most recent interaction with a once thought MIA brother of mine. I was so fucking happy to see him, it has been more than a year now since I had had word with him. I didn't even realize just how much I missed him until he popped online the other day. Yet, there is a dark cloud brooding over this joyous occasion. It seems every time I speak with him, my mood suddenly drops. I start to realize how much of a loser I am. No money, no job, living with my parents at the age of 18,almost 19, no mate, no headway into making a career, etc,etc. In short I turn emo on him.Though he always seems to have this knack for keeping me from falling to far. He knows just how to get my mood rising again. In a way, I feel balanced around him. Enough on that topic, I feel like typing about something else.



Well, for one I am quitting, I'm down to one cig a day, and not even a full smoke at this point. On stressfull days I have smoked two. I am also attempting to limit myself on marijuana. I mean, I love to smoke I really do, but to the extent that I normally do, on such a regular basis, has GOT to be bad for me. I mean shit, I can already see signs of a burnout. Alchohol, stays the same, drink not too often. Drink lots when I do. I can already feel my fucking mood swings returning. With so little smoking on my part, they have been harder to control. *sighs* Who knows, maybe I can use these mood swings to my advantage. I remember complaining about being TOO happy with my current life. That no inspiration of any kind seemed to come to me anymore. Perhaps this is what I need. Perhaps not. I'll soon find out I'm sure.


Anywho!It is September 3rd. My birthday is coming up soon. I don't normaly like my birthday, it is a seriously depressing day half the time. This year may be different though. Apparently my family is going to the zoo that day. Renda, Brian, if you guys are reading this, ask my mother about it. If you guysare not doing anything that day. I'd love for you guys to be able to come. Man I sure hope you will be able to. My grandparents will be there, as well as Silver and Spiked. Well, so far those two are saying the will go. XP


Finaly, I'll sign off. I will cease my random updates. I figured it would be something nice for you guys since I have been gone so long after only seeing you guys for a week. You know who you are. Sorry it is not full of a much more interesting topic though. Love to you all! Peace!

So um, I kind of figured out why I am so...nervous about being "gay" In front of my family. They know I am gay and all, and have accepted me for my sexual preference. Though it seems they never want to talk about it. Well, on one hand my Aunt and Uncle do all the time, in a nonchalant way really. As if it is something normal to them. I like that, it makes me feel a lot more comfortable to be around them. No dip, I know.
Yet my Parents, they always seem to steer clear of the subject, as if they are trying to pretend I never told them I'd rather suck a dick than play with a vagina. My father, I can tell is a bit let down, as I was his oldest, and took after him quite a bit, in my personality and looks alone though. I took to more...how to say...not so manly things as he. He liked cars, was a mechanic, a truck driver, a pest control man, well..shit honestly just about any manly job, my father has been a part of it seems. I never got in to any of that stuff, which is why I think he spent a lot more of his time and attention on my brother Kevin. My mother, took to my sister, and I was left alone most of the time.
I never really spent much time with my parents alone, it was only on family occasions. It seems the only time they even STARTED to notice me, was when I stopped being so..timid. I perked up in school and started being more chatty with the other kids, and started to show my true potential for literature and science. Well, even still I was ignored half the time.
Then I told them I was gay, and all the attention turned towards me, I was afraid of it at first, I wasn't used to getting attention. Least of all from my parents. Please don't get me wrong either, by the time I found I was gay, it was not to gain attention. By then I was convinced no matter what I did they would not give a shit. So that made it easier to tell them. Thing is though, my friends, took it upon themselves to tell my parents first. So I reluctantly told them it was the truth.I have a habit of telling the truth.
Even still, the attention died away soon enough, within half a years time it was back to normal again, and it was if it was never even mentioned. To this day it is not mentioned very often, and when it is, they always seem to have this, strained tone to their voice. Like they have to force themselves to talk to me about it, like they are forcing themselves to pay attention to me for once.
You think they think it is their fault I am gay? I know my dad does, he thinks it is my mom's fault, but would never tell her that because she would get pissed. He doesn't hate her for it, it is more like he kind of expected it. My mother was a stripper, a coke addict at one point, and only until later on in my life did i find out she was something of a prostitute. I never looked at my mother in a glorifying light. Yet I never hated her for what she did, except the coke. My home life was filled with the struggles of poverty. So I understood she was making money as best she could.
Then I found out how open her job opportunities really were, and when presented with a better job, she never seemed to accept it. when she did, she was there for about half a year at the very most, only to quit and go right back to her old job. She claims it to be a loyalty to friends, but honestly her friends are never so loyal as she is. Who knows what her real reasons are.
Anywho, sorry for getting off topic, I tend to ramble. My point for this journal was just to state, that it is hard for me to be myself around my parents, because I don't think it makes them happy. When all I wanted as a child was to be loved and accepted by my family for who I was. So...I just did my best to be both, myself, and their seemingly straight and manly son. Which is one of the reasons I began to teach myself how to fight, and started fighting on a regular basis.
There is also the fact that, my Friend Jacob, keeps trying to get me to be with a girl. I told him I would date a girl if I ever came to love her. I don't base my philosophy on love around boundries of simply one sex or the other. though it bothers me so much that he is trying to turn me, and I quote, "normal" or at least somewhat "normal." To me such a thing does not exist, and if it does, it was not meant for me. all my life I was anything BUT normal. He doesn't really want me to go all feminine on him. Though he claims he will not shun me for who I am, or who I "think" I am.
The thing is though, I've never been so sure of who I am than I am at this point in my life. Ever since I was a kid, I loved to play with my mom's makeup. Wear her cloths and such, or just flat out play dress up. It was fun..to me. I never let anyone see it though, because my father made it quite apparent, when I was still very young what he thought of homosexuality. He never explained in depth his opinions on it. So I just took his word for it, that it was bad thing for boys to want to be like girls.
*sighs* I just wish now that I could get over my fear of my father finally saying fuck it and disowning me. My fears of being rejected by so many of my friends and family. At least I've identified my problem, that is the first step to finally being who I really am. Once and for all, I won't feel so...empty, like a huge part of me is missing. v.v


On a side note, I fought out in the rain with Jacob the other day, it was really fun. I should do that more often. though if I'm trying to be more so my true self, then maybe I shouldn't? Though despite how girly I might be at some points, I still love fighting, it is a great way to just let my emotions go, not just anger either, but all of them. Not to mention, you've no idea how great it feels, to feel the strength of your body at work. To know, to visibly see, and feel your body grow stronger with each excercise and training you run through. This is still a part of me then right? Can I still be a feminine boy and like to fight? 0.o